Super Nintedo Kicks Ass

I have a number of friends who both waited in line over the course of several days and paid hundreds upon hundreds of dollars to be able to obtain either a Playstation 3 or a Nintendo Wii. I would ask them why, and I would receive such answers as:

“The graphics are so realistic!”
“You can use it to surf the internet!”
“Dude, it has motion sensors AND rumbling controllers!”

Ok, ok. I guess some of that shit is cool….SIKE!

Look, over my twenty-two years, I have owned and regularly played only one video game system. And it is the one and only Super Nindedo, AKA the SNES. There is barely anything to say about Super Nintendo other than, “Super Nintendo kicks ass!!”

To fully understand this reasoning, you need to simply take a step back and look at three games:

Donkey Kong Country:

Do you remember when this game came out? Yeah, well I fucking do. The graphics were mind blowing! The music is smooth and almost porno-esque (especially in the underwater leverls). And on top of it all, it’s fucking hard! My buddy Nick and I honestly spent over two hours on one level! One goddamn level! Two hours! Fuck man! A sidenote- when you stomp on the enemy beavers in this game, they meow. Tell me the programmers weren’t keeping their minds in the gutters when they created the meowing beaver.

Super Mario World:

Clearly the undisputed champion of the Super Mario Dynasty. This game kept the elements that made the original Marios so great, but upped it with the cartoonish graphics, amazing sound effects, and—holy shit—a flying dinosaur named Yoshi. This game also has so many secret levels. Beating this game completely is a fucking many-day project. But here’s the best part: when you do finally beat it completely, you unlock a super-secret altered version of the game that’s pretty much like a Mario acid-trip. The koopa turtles turn into weird Mario clones! The toothed, fire breathing plants turn into evil jack-o-lanterns! The Forest of Illusion turns pink! This game is Mario’s shining achievement. His lowest point, however, would be the blackface in the original version of Super Mario 2.

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past:

EPIC AS FUCK. Remember all those nerds I mentioned in the beginning of this goddamn post who waited for hours for high-tech video game systems? Well even those faggots will agree that this is one of the greatest games ever created. The storyline in this game makes me want to cry. Lord of the Rings and the Chronicals of (G)narnia can fucking shove it, Zelda fucking conquers!

While these games are mind-numbing as hell and alone make the system worth having, let it be known that I still have plenty of love for MarioKart, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time and the Mortal Kombat series.